Recycle, Reduce, Re-use (And Remember)

M & S bloody started it. In an effort to cut back on using so many posh carrier bags (with these cost-saving efforts masquerading as an eco-friendly “save the planet!” crusade to prevent landfill sites being full of non-biodegradable plasticky shit sporting their logo), they stopped automatically giving them out whenever you bought something.

Now other stores have followed suit and it’s become the norm for shop assistants to ask if you want a bag for your purchases (thereby rendering them portable). The problem is that, too often, I buckle under the weight of guilt and refuse one, instead replying “Nah, it’s alright. I don’t mind carrying this collection of large objects in my hands”. Hence I struggle out of shops like a Crackerjack contestant with armfuls of oddly-shaped boxes or untransportable handle-free purchases.

Even supermarkets now keep their bags under the counter like forbidden items or ‘precious things’ and only give them out on request as if they’re made of gold, but there’s no way you can carry your shopping without them. I know you’re meant to recycle them, or use those Bags For Life which look like they’ve been fashioned from hessian, grubby potato sacks and human hair, but it’s extremely hard to remember. Too often, while the tree-hugger at the adjacent checkout fills their hippy bags with humous, nut roast, pond weed falafel bake cake and other sundry items, I pack my items shamefaced by the accompanying rustle of micron-thick plastic, subsequently slunking out the door like a leper in a Hanson T-shirt.

If our consumer society continues ad infinitum down this path, maybe humans will eventually evolve to develop enormous hands not unlike the foamy ones traditionally waved around at sporting events or Gladiators. But then everything would have to be supersized to correspond to the enormous digits. Computer keyboards would be as big as the desk they sat on, mobile phones would be like computer screens and doorbells would be as big as dinner plates. The next time I’m asked if I need a bag, I’m going to proudly say yes to do my bit to prevent this nightmarish vision of the future.