Arts And Minds

The human brain, and its method of information storage, is a mysterious thing. What governs the hierarchy of facts and trivia accumulated as you tootle through life? Who is the miniature cerebral librarian who dutifully files away all the informational flotsam and jetsam gathered daily? Why are some entirely useless nuggets of data instantly retrievable while others, which are much more important, are yanked consciouswards like a difficult tooth extraction?

Everyone knows useless trivia. For instance, my brain has stored the facts that Charles & Eddie’s (“Would I like to you?”) surnames are Pettigrew and Chacon respectively, the word ‘ucalegon’ means a neighbour whose house is on fire, and the guitarist from Swing Out Sister hates celery (he was quoted in No. 1 magazine in the mid-'80s as saying he hated the “sight, smell and crunch of it”).

However, ask me to work out percentages without the aid of the little % button on the calculator though and suddenly I am transformed back to school via a cheap wibbly-screen Dr Who effect. Is it the big number divided by the small number or the other way around? There’s a 50/50 chance of getting it right and irrespective of whether I guess right or not, it will almost certainly be instantly forgotten again.

But how can this important and extremely useful fragment of knowledge jostle for cerebellum space with the facts that Midge Ure’s birthday is the 10th of October, the cow that’s cut in half at the end of Apocalypse Now was a real cow, and the red jumpers Neil Buchanan wears on Art Attack cost upwards of £100 each time as they’re made from a special ‘TV-friendly’ wool (red is the colour which causes the most problems when broadcast)?

Incidentally, I’ve always thought that Art Attack is probably the least sensitively named show on telly. Naming a kid’s programme after a life-threatening medical affliction is more than a little questionable; it doesn’t matter how good a pun it is. Other shows don’t feel the need to employ such a blatant disregard for such serious conditions (with the possible exception of Diff’rent Strokes).

Actually, I noticed recently that Neil is looking much older these days, having been on the show since the early ‘90s, and long may his TV tenure continue. Perhaps one day he'll reach the point where he has a heart attack while creating an “art attack” on Art Attack. Now that’s irony.