Ice Queen Ousted

I find Kerry Katona a genuinely fascinating individual. Not as an object of admiration, but more from a point of view of curiosity and intrigue, like some peculiar zoo animal that you’re just dying to poke a stick at because of its strange appearance and unfamiliar behaviour. For example, on telly the other night I saw footage of a semi-digested alligator which had burst out of a Burmese python’s stomach – compelling to look at but ultimately unpleasant. That kind of fascinating.

She’s reinvented herself numerous times, though has essentially always looked like the sort of girl with a heavily tattooed boyfriend who spins waltzers at the fair. Over the years she’s successfully made the biologically uncommon transition from glittering butterfly to unsightly pupae and her career has seen her change from pop princess, to jungle queen, to fat mum, to fat crap mum.

Sadly, this latest incarnation as has resulted the termination of her three-year reign as the Queen of Iceland. No more will she peddle processed frozen nibbles and highly-processed comestibles with one of the Nolan sisters. This decision was taken by Iceland after she was spotted fagging while pregnant and therefore deemed her unsuited to represent their brand.

Marketing Manager Nick Canning, no doubt speaking from his ice palace in Reykjavik, said “I'm not sure what contract we will be able to offer”, while another source said “Her reputation has gone before her, and she is no longer seen as the model mum she once was.”

I’m sure she’ll sell yet another exclusive to Hello! magazine (which appears to be nothing more than a fanzine) and make oodles of cash while she decides how to reinvent herself yet again, though her tarnished reputation may make this difficult.

In my opinion a more native Bjork would be a perfect, not to mention pun-tastic, replacement. She may not have the common touch, which Kerry (being the very epitome of everything that is common) had in abundance, and was once filmed beating up a photographer at an airport, but the image of her and Jason Donovan tucking into chicken nuggets and breaded prawns on sticks at a wedding buffet is both strange and appealing.