"HELLO. I SAID 'HELLO'. YES…"

According to a new directive from the Nursing and Midwifery Council, health workers are to be dissuaded from calling older patients “dearie” and “love” as this has been deemed to be offensive to senior citizens.

Nurses have instead been encouraged to speak “courteously and respectfully” towards patients, using their preferred names, like “wrinkly” or “coffin-dodger”. No doubt spoken in a very loud voice.