Shaky Relationships

It’s never an entirely comfortable feeling finding out that your other half has, in the past, been affectionate towards another. However, it’s important to face the fact that he/she has had a history pre-you and that this history, which necessarily involves romantic involvement with somebody else, is directly responsible for producing the three-dimensional and multi-faceted creature who today forms your perfect other half.

I say this because of a recent incident in which a missive of affection, written by my wonderwife, was found in one of her old school books, dredged from a dusty box which had been long since forgotten. In the spirit of honesty, I’ve reproduced it, word for word, below.

Dear Shaky,

I am a great fan of yours and will always be. My name is [my wife]. My birthday is September 15th. I was born in 1975. I am 10 years old. I watch every programme you are on. I adore your song Merry Christmas everyone because I no every single word.

I like men who are handsome and I think your great.

Some of my friend say you’re nice but I didn’t I said you’re gorgeous.

Yours sincerely

[my wife]

I’m happy to note though, that Shaky didn’t get a closing “X”, which I get as standard in my texts and emails. So, in your face Shaky! In your face! Who’s the winner! Me, that’s who. Yes, very much so. Eat my dust...