Olfactory Factory

"A million micro-capsules bursting on the skin…”
“In a person’s lifetime they’ll see 24 million separate images…”
“64 billion colours….”

Adverts are crammed to bursting with enormous numbers. The above are three current examples which are symptomatic of an advertising ethos that hurls huge sounding quantities at the viewer in an effort to either impress or bamboozle them. It’s not just tellys and cosmetics though. Even Lindt – “the master chocolatiers” – are at it, claiming in their latest TV ad that a bar of their brown stuff emits over 400 subtle aromas.

Personally, I think it’s a load of old tosh. I may not have a wine-taster’s nose, but I am able to detect two – namely bullshit and chocolate. Beyond that I struggle.

The thing is though, any such claim must necessarily be true in order for the advertiser not to fall foul of the Advertising Standards Authority whose fairly stringent rules govern what you can and can’t say to promote your product. The indisputability of numbers in this sense makes it all very black and white; for example, if something is claimed to be “robust” then as there is no universal measurable scale of robustness the statement is highly ambiguous, though if there are 400 smells then there have to be at least 400 smells.

Mr Lindt therefore must be able to justify his claim, and someone somewhere in Lindt Towers must either have a list of what these smells are or be able to produce one (irrespective of whatever ludicrous figure the ad agency have plucked out of the air), and I’m curious to know what they’ll come up with when asked. That’s why I’ve written the following letter and sent it to Lindt HQ: Customer Enquiries, Lindt & Sprüngli (UK Ltd), Top Floor, 4 New Square, Feltham, London TW14 8HA.

Dear Sir/Madam,

I hope you’ll forgive me for writing to you with what might be seen as a bit of a strange request, but similarly, I hope you are able to help!

I am an amateur wine taster and am frequently able to detect even very subtle aromas with a good degree of accuracy, often in agreement with experts. As such, I am intrigued by your latest TV advert which mentions that a bar of Lindt chocolate emits 400 subtle aromas – which is very impressive.

I have been able to compile a list of around fifty or so aromas which I believe to be emitted by an average bar, though am obviously some way short of the total (but then my nose is hardly that of a “master chocolatier”!)

If at all possible, I would be immensely grateful if you could forward me a comprehensive list of these aromas as I’m intrigued to see what I am missing. I am hoping the fifty or so main ones correspond to my own list and that my nose is up to the job.

I would like to add that Lindt is my favourite chocolate. In fact, I’d even say it was “excel-Lindt”! Keep up the good work.

Kind regards,

William O’Donnell

I have, of course, used a pseudonym as I don’t want the chocolate people thinking I’m a twat. On the off-chance anyone replies, I’ll update this entry.