Deodorants With Thrice the Protection and Swiss Army Razors

The absurdly testosterone-fuelled voiceover in the ad for Gillette’s new anti-perspirant promises “triple protection”. This pledge is also emblazoned across the can, leading the viewer to subconsciously believe that this fantastic new development in underarm technology is three times better than their current brand.

Don’t be fooled however. Mr ManlyTones then shoots himself in the foot by going on to reveal exactly what the three features that make up this super-spray are: “odour protection, keeps you dry all day and smells great”. If there was a fourth, it would probably be something like “it’s in a can”.

I can’t help but think that one and three are essentially the same thing, but surely all are fundamental attributes of your average can of anti-perspirant. If I were to purchase a rival brand where one or more of the above features was lacking, then it would be a pretty shit can of deodorant.

I appreciate that there’s precious little to say about one product that sets it apart from its competitors, but it’s a load of boring old copy which says nothing at all. It’s like advertising the USPs for a car as being: “it’s got wheels, you can steer it and it can go both fast AND slow”. Claiming your “protection” is incremented to three, exhibits the same mentality that maintains that five blades in a razor are better than four (whereas the year before, four were better than three, and before that, three were better than two etc. Just how close a shave does the average chap need?)

On the same theme, another ad on telly last night was for a battery-operated razor which sported five blades on one side and one blade on the other (six blades!). A smiling bronzed adonis effortlessly swiped it over his finely chiselled chops, while his blonde and loosely-clothed companion fawned silkily over him, in awe of his mastery of a device that looked like it should be bolted to Robocop.

The advertising for men’s toiletries and grooming products has gone mad. Our bathroom doesn’t have any dramatic orchestral music, MIG bombers soaring around or giant machines producing “hydra-gels” with “fusion power”. And I don’t like to think of myself any less of a man for it.