Putting The L In ‘Band’

Now I don’t want to sound like grandad here, but how crap is Akon? It’s not just me is it? Whether you like the genre or not, this smiling little cheesemonger peddles a particularly clichéd brand of R&B that’s remained unchanged for ten years.

The ad on telly for his new album at the moment showcases a selection of his latest choons with accompanying videos in which he invariably appears dressed in white, complete with complementary heavies and obligatory scantily-clad filly (who’s also dressed in white). Striking a variety of homeboy poses he croons to this faceless female a childlike selection of spectacularly uninspired words. I struggle to think of a more wishy-washy and banal slice of insipid and unoriginal lyricism/melody than “You’re so beautiful, so damn beautifuuuuuul…”; it out-Lighthouse-Familys The Lighthouse Family.

Coming a close second though is the second song in the ad, entitled Right Now (Na Na Na). Songs are full of “doo-be-doo”s and “a wop-bop a loo-bops and “laaaah, la la lah-lah-lah-laaaah”s, though the “na na na na” in Akon’s effort just seems to be a bit of a placeholder about which he probably thought “Sod it, that’ll do; I’ll just ad lib that bit”.

I’m not suggesting for a second that it’s an R&B thing as there’s good and bad in every genre. God knows there are equivalent indie bands out there content to bash away at Telecasters and arpeggiate a G/Em/C/D chord sequence in a sub-Beatles style that, were it any less imaginative, would be the reserve of lobotomy patients and Oasis-tribute acts.

Not every band/artist can be a trailblazer admittedly, but musical drabness, where the same old kak is just re-hashed in a kind of ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it’ way which tries to ride on the coattails of successful predecessors, bugs me.

Anyway, there. “Neeurgh… it’s all just noise these days… You can’t tell the girls from the boys etc.”