Ham the monkey and his fruity prize

Exactly 46 years ago today a chimp named Ham (after the Holloman Aerospace Medical Centre) was blasted into space from Cape Canaveral in an effort to prove that humans could one day survive space flight, think clearly and not go Radio Rental in the process.

However, someone hadn't done their sums and got the trajectory wrong, resulting in him hurtling way off course. Worse was to come with re-entry into the Earth's atmosphere which saw him belting seaward at meltdown velocity, tumbling through the stratosphere in a '60s tin can full of rattling rivets, flashing lights and ungraspable levers. It's not a pretty thought to imagine him filling his space suit with liquified monkey shit, hiding his wrinkly 'old-man' face with his hairy hands, and whimpering "oop-oops" into his miniature helmet while NASA listened in.

Despite his terrifying ordeal however, Ham survived, eventually landing somewhere in the Atlantic, some 420 miles off course. The BBC reported: "Then when rescue helicopters finally arrived, they found the capsule on its side and sinking. It had landed with such force that the heat shield had punched two holes in the capsule. Ham, however, took it all in his stride and when the spacecraft was opened accepted an apple and half an orange in reward."

Half an orange? What would the poor litle bastard have had to do to get himself a whole one? It shows complete thoughtlessness by the scientists who even failed to offer him a banana - the perennial simian favourite. Monkey or not, fruit seems a woefully inadequate reward for such monumental achievements as space travel. I bet Neil Armstrong got better than that.

It's just as well that similarly ground-breaking human efforts aren't rewarded in the same way: "Congratulations Dr Pasteur, you've discovered a way of treating dairy products to prevent the growth of bacteria, ultimately saving millions of lives worldwide from life-threatening viruses. Here's some kiwi fruit."

Or Thomas Edison remarking to his assistant on witnessing the first stuttering lightbulb: "Eureka! I've finally successfully created electrical current which can power generators, make pictures on tellys and light the darkness forevermore. The world is now truly mankind's oyster!"
"Well done Mr Edison. I'll get the grapes..."